Seeing an adorable golden retriever puppy in Cadiz and the endless series of yellow labs in Madrid prompted this post

I miss my dogs. It’s strange that this is happened here and now considering that I live away from them most of the year anyway and I have an entire continent to distract me from my home life, but the fact of the matter is I miss my boys. Some of you have heard me talk about them, some of you haven’t. Both dogs are incredibly sweet and one is just as useless as the other. Beckett is a young Golden Doodle (a hybrid of Golden Retriever and Poodle) and Sebastian (often called Sea Bass by my parents and I) is an English Sheepdog/Irish Wolfhound mix.

Beckett is a terrorist. I’ve told many people that my dog is a terrorist and I’ve informed Beckett that I know that he is a terrorist, but Homeland Security be dammed, he will not be deterred and remains flippant to my warnings. I hear you asking, “just how exactly is this dog a terrorist, Joel?” Well good people, he started small by stealing socks/underwear/hats/other objects left on the floor. A laundry dog, if you will. But then he upped the ante by taking said socks/underwear/hats/other objects left on the floor and putting them in our swimming pool. You never really get used to pulling your favorite pair of underwear out of the filter of the pool. But even these acts of resistance are tame in comparison to his most egregious sin to date: when I got home from Ireland, Beckett ate my passport. My dog didn’t try to steal my identity, he tried to destroy it.

He also has the bravado of terrorist. His self-importance and holier-than-thou attitude is probably his greatest strength. It makes him absolutely adorable and forgivable for not only the sins he’s committed and the sins he is currently committing, but the sins he will undoubtedly commit in the future. Here’s a typical scene with the Beck Boy: the family is sitting together watching television. Beckett will stroll into the room with Sea Bass flanking him. One member of the family will notice that Beckett has something in his mouth. Beckett knows you see it. Beckett wants you to see it. So you will ask him to come here and he will come exactly 2 inches outside of arms length, flaunting the sock or whatever piece of treasure all the while. Luckily Beckett isn’t brilliant and using a highly sophisticated collaborative effort by two human beings where someone drives the terrorist to the other which then allows the second human to retrieve the object from Beck’s mouth. One or both of the humans will scold Beckett and make him promise that he won’t do it again, to which he casts his curly head over his shoulder and gives the now patented. “who me? Oh, well. Go fuck yourself,” look. It is the most effective response that always brings a smile and occasionally prompts me to pick him up off the floor and bring him to eye level for more thorough interrogation. It always ends with him in my lap licking my face and me play fighting against it while laughing my ass off. You can’t help but love this dog, even though he is detrimental to the well being of your valuables.

Sea Bass is the consummate side kick. He’s the grunt worker, the enforcer, the cheerleader. He’s the Lennie to Beckett’s George, for those of you who are up on your Of Mice and Men lingo. Loyal, dutiful, faithful, and not terribly bright. Like his boss though, Sea Bass is outrageously lovable. It’s his sweetness that overwhelms you. The dog likes nothing more than being petted and having you bear with his bad breath for a few pats of the head. When we first adopted Sebastian from a less than ideal situation he was so skinny I called him my Kenyan Sheepdog. I think this confused him so he put on a few pounds and I didn’t call him that anymore. Physically he is all legs. He looks like a canine version of the big walking machines on the snow planet in “Return of the Jedi.” Grace is simply unattainable for him, but it is all forgiven when you see the big goofball slip on the wood floor or accidentally tumble into the pool.

The two of them are really quite a duo; by duo I mean less Batman and Robin and more of a curly haired Pinky and The Brain. Beckett is a spoiled, bratty, useless dog that leaves a trail of destruction behind him and Sea Bass is always there dutifully tagging along. “So, what do you want to do today Beck?”

“The same thing we do everyday, Sea Bass. TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”